Dorian Gray Goes to College!
by MoonbeamDreamer
Summary: A silly one-shot send-up of Oscar Wilde's only novel. At the University of Virginia, Dorian falls in with frat boy Lord Henry. Debauchery and a failing grade ensue. MASSIVE SPOILERS! I recommend only reading if you've read the book.
1. A few terms to help you out

So… I realize not everyone will be familiar with Charlottesville and University of Virginia jargon. Here's a list of terms you may find very helpful in understanding the humor of _Dorian Gray goes to College_! :]

**Alderman Café – **A coffee shop run by Greenberry's [a local coffee company] on the main floor of Alderman Library (the most aesthetically pleasing of all UVA's libraries, in my opinion).

**Bodo's Bagels –** A delicious bagel chain in Charlottesville that sells bagels for cheap. If you ever come to Charlottesville, it's not a trip without a bagel and some BoJoe's coffee.

**The Cav Daily –** UVA's school newspaper, published, as you may guess, daily.

**Clemons Library – **A popular library on Grounds with four floors. On the first floor, strict silence is the rule to facilitate productive studying.

**The Corner – **A shopping/restaurant district just off of central grounds. Popular with students. Additionally, Rugby Road, the home of UVA's Greek organizations, is right off the Corner.

**Downtown Charlottesville –** Just a Trolley ride away from Grounds, the "Historic" Downtown area has many colorful shops, restaurants, and at least three movie theaters. The area is commonly referred to as the Downtown Mall, though the "Mall" is open-air between shops.

"**The Dryer Monster in Cauthen" –** In one of the dorm's laundry rooms, there is a certain dryer that enjoys eating socks.

**First-year, second-year, etc.** – At UVA, students are not called freshman or sophomores. Not everyone received a four-year degree when UVA was founded in 1819, so it was much more respectful to regard students by the amount of time they had been at their studies.

**Foxfield –** A horse race. Attended by many UVA students because of the availability of pure grain alcohol from locals living in the mountains.

**Free Trolley –** Services UVA and Downtown… just like its loud mechanized voice says. It's a nice service, but it can be sketchy late at night.

**Grounds for Discussion –** A ridiculously tacky and unrefined theater production given during First Year Fall Orientation. Think back to health class films on resolving conflicts and eating disorders in middle school. It's that, only live action. Yipee! -.-

**Honor Committee, Judiciary Committee, etc.** – The threats that basically everyone in this parody puts forth are severe. UVA's Honor Policy is single-sanctioned, meaning that, should a student be found guilty of lying, stealing, or cheating in a non-trivial way, that student is expelled from the University.

**ISIS, the SIS –** A University computer platform for course registration, bill payment, transcripts, et cetera. ISIS is terrible, but in March 2009 a new platform called SIS will have its day in the sun. We're all waiting on tenterhooks to see how this goes.

**Little John's –** a New York style deli that's open 24 hours. They make a great Reuben.

**The Mudhouse –** A coffeehouse on the Downtown Mall. A "Monkey" is a specialty drink at this establishment.

**NoVa –** Northern Virginia. There is a massive community of UVA students from this wealthy, just-outside-of-D.C. region.

**Off**-**Grounds/on-Grounds – **University housing is called on-Grounds because our "campus" is not called by that name but by "Grounds." Off-Grounds housing, therefore, is any apartment, townhouse, et cetera that is not rented out by the University of Virginia.

**The Rotunda **– Our founder Thomas Jefferson's crowning achievement. The centerpiece of the Lawn (the first part of Grounds ever built).

**The Stall Seat Journal (aka the SSJ) **– A piece of educational literature published each month and posted on the insides of bathroom stall doors. Often about the dangers of alcohol or unprotected sex.

**The Tea House **– The official name of this establishment is the Tea Bazaar, but everyone calls it the Tea House. A space on the Downtown Mall in which one can buy various teas, sandwiches, and flavored hookah tobacco. (It's not really a dump, Dorian and Adrian are just silly little rich boys.)

**Vinegar Hill **– One of the cinemas on the Downtown Mall. Shows many independent and arthouse films.


	2. The work itself

**Dorian Gray Goes to College!**

_Or, Work is the curse of the drinking classes._

_By Jessica Hatch and Anna Kovatcheva_

OSCAR WILDE: (Standing against a wall, smoking a pipe) Beware… here be spoilers!

_(Interior. Day. A college student's apartment: clothes strewn on the floor, books on every surface imaginable. Posters of Queen and Rembrandt on the walls. BASIL HALLWARD, a third year student, fidgets in a chair by the window. His friend HENRY WOTTON, also a third year, lounges on the messy sofa, smoking a cigarette.)_

HENRY: My god, Basil, when is this new fellow going to get here? If you're going to wake me up at noon on a Saturday, there sure as hell better be a good reason for it.

BASIL: (Shoots Henry a look of caution) He'll be here, Harry. He's a first year, he's not that familiar with off-Grounds housing, okay? Besides, you'd have to be up anyway. It is our _group_ project for Aesthetics class after all. (A beat.) Weren't you supposed to go to brunch with Victoria?

HENRY: (Shrugs) She schedules everything, I never know what's happening. I'll call her later. (Sits up and stubs out his cigarette) So, what's this Dorian like?

BASIL: (Purposely nonchalant) Typical first year, I suppose. Straight A student in high school.

HENRY: (Reclines again, though still upright) Ah… to be young. I remember those days, naïve, idealistic, the world is within reach. (Swivels head to look at BASIL) Let's ruin him.

BASIL: Harry, he's from my hometown!

HENRY: Oh come, let's! It'll be great fun.

BASIL: (Stands up rather dramatically) Harry, if you lay a finger on Dorian, I will tell the Honor Committee about the time first year you copied Edward Huffington III's term paper!

HENRY: (Reluctantly) All right, all right…

BASIL: (Peers through the window.) Ah. Here he is!

_(DORIAN GRAY enters. It is obvious he's a first year. He carries a large bookbag. His face has all the sunny optimism of an eighteen year old, and it's unsure whether or not he can grow facial hair.)_

DORIAN: (With elation) Basil!

BASIL: (In greeting) Dorian!

HENRY: (Prompting him to introduce his friend) Basil!

BASIL: (Indicates) Henry!

DORIAN: Dr. Scott!

_(An awkward pause.)_

BASIL: …So the project. I was thinking we could do a film about the end of the Aesthetic movement, Oscar Wilde's trial obviously, the problem though is … blah blah blah disputable thesis blah blah blah blah still make it flashy …

_(BASIL continues to blather. HENRY turns to DORIAN.)_

HENRY: So, you're from NoVa too?

DORIAN: Pretty much.

HENRY: Go to many parties in high school?

DORIAN: Not so much.

HENRY: Ah, that's no fun… you shall have to go out with me tonight.

DORIAN: I don't know about that… I was supposed to go to the library with Basil.

HENRY: Basil? Basil's a mole person. He practically lives at the library. It's a wonder he's even home today. Listen. You're young, Dorian. This is the time of our lives. One day, youth will fade out, and we'll fade in on a gray office carpet while harsh fluorescent lighting bounces off our bald spots and love handles and a copy machine hums somewhere in the distance. You don't want to look back on your glory days thinking it was all for naught! Come on… let's go out tonight!

DORIAN: All right, but I'm not much of a drinker.

HENRY: Never fear, Dorian. I won't force new practices upon you! It shall just be a night of fun. Shall we meet on the Corner at eight?

DORIAN: Oh yes, let's!

BASIL: …and a leitmotif of male nudity throughout… (Pauses) Have you been listening to a word I've said??

HENRY: Really, Basil, do you expect me to listen? It's only one in the bloody afternoon.

BASIL: No matter. (Produces a sheaf of paper) I made an outline!

_(DORIAN and HENRY met on the Corner at eight as planned. Then did they pre-game at Sigma Alpha Epsilon with many a round of beer pong. They then proceeded to Alpha Theta Omega for casual cocktail kegging, stopped at Little John's for a late supper, and thus returned to the party circuit. DORIAN passed out at two in the morning, being the lightweight that he is and woke up naked the next day beside HENRY in a quite unfamiliar bed.)_

DORIAN: I believe we must never speak of this again.

HENRY: Good Lord, no. Especially not to Basil!

_(Later that day.)_

BASIL: Dorian, where were you last night? I whispered your name all up and down the stacks on the first floor of Clemons, but the others were shushing me terribly.

DORIAN: I thought I told you, Basil. I attended some crushes with dear Harry. Oh, Basil! Last night was ever so much fun, especially the lack of stacks and moldering books! Would that I could remain forever young and perfect without going to the library! I would give anything, even my soul for that!

BASIL: (Clearly hurt and confused) Ah. Pass me that marking pen, will you? (Returns to work on the project.)

_(And so the semester continued. All was well until the first graded Aestheticism papers were returned.)_

BASIL: (Beaming) Another A!

HENRY: (Balls his paper up and tosses it in a waste bin as they pass) B minus, of course. I suppose our little wunderkind got an A.

_(DORIAN looks pale and sickly.)_

BASIL: Dorian? Do you feel poorly?

HENRY: Dorian! Whatever is the matter?

DORIAN: (Violently clutches his paper to his chest) You must never see it! (Dashes away)

BASIL: (Dumbfounded, staring after) What's gotten into him?

HENRY: Must be the funny brownies from last night.

BASIL: (Turning to Henry) What?

HENRY: Nothing.

_(Alone in his dorm room, DORIAN bemoans the fate of his grade point average.)_

DORIAN: Is it come to this then? In a moment of rash wishing, I have sold my soul for a few reckless nights? Am I to stay young, cocksure and swaggering, while my grade wastes away? Corrodes and crumples, becomes a weak nothing? (Looks at the essay) And what shall I do with this? I'll hide it where no one will find it! It is my secret alone to bear!

_(STEVE, DORIAN's roommate, walks in.)_

STEVE: Dude, what're you keeping secret? Are you masturbating again?

DORIAN: Shut up, Steve!

_(STEVE exits. DORIAN looks around and ultimately stuffs the essay in his sock drawer. Upon closing it, he feels a certain relief.)_

DORIAN: Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. Only my grade will suffer, no one will suspect a thing … I can live on as always, live on better than before!

_(A knock.)_

STEVE: (from without) May I come in now?

DORIAN: … Yes, Steve…

_(Halfway through the year, DORIAN decides to rush for a fraternity. During a rush date night, DORIAN dances with his proclaimed "love of his life," SYBIL.)_

DORIAN: Oh Sybil! You're lovely!

SYBIL: Oh Dorian, you're lovelier! I know what love is now! (Suddenly fails at dancing)

DORIAN: (Releases his hold on her hips and steps back) I am suddenly and completely repulsed by you. You have killed my love! Fly from my sight!

_(SYBIL dashes away weeping. DORIAN feels his phone vibrating in his pocket and pulls it out as HENRY and his girlfriend VICTORIA walk up.)_

DORIAN: "Come see me, I miss you - 3 Basil" (Looks up) My god, I have to go!

HENRY: Dude, it's just a text.

DORIAN: It's from Basil! He never texts! (Exits swiftly)

HENRY: (Calls after him) Text me later, Dorian! I'll tell the brothers where you've gone.

VICTORIA: (Glares) You love him more than me, don't you?

HENRY: (Staring after DORIAN) Yeah, probably.

_(In a remote corner on the first floor of Clemons)_

DORIAN: (Blearily) I came as soon as I could… what is it?

BASIL: Dorian! You are completely wasted!

DORIAN: I'm not… no. No. I'm not.

BASIL: You reek of alcohol, your eyes are bloodshot and glassy… I don't like what Harry's doing to you.

DORIAN: (Advances hastily towards BASIL) Don't bring Harry into this, Basil! Just because you're down in the stacks every night, just because Harry likes to have fun, just because –

BASIL: Dorian! You used to only go out on Fridays. Now you're out Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays… and sometimes Sundays! That's the better part of the week, Dorian!

OTHER MOLE PERSON: Shhhhh!

DORIAN: (Drunker still, slurring his words) Don't judge me, Basil. Don't you dare judge me. Just because you're still perfect and you'd like me to be perfect too and this – this isn't high school, Basil, little teacher's pet Dorian has gone away. Just because I'm failing most of my classes, just because –

BASIL: You're failing most of your classes?!

OTHER MOLE PERSON: Shhhhhhhh!

BASIL: (Quieter) You're failing most of your classes…?

_(On the mention of his horrendous grades, something in DORIAN snaps. His eyes gleam wickedly. He spies a thick book lying facedown on the table beside BASIL's laptop.)_

DORIAN: (Edging towards the book) Yes… I'm failing most of my classes…

_(He snatches up the book and bludgeons BASIL to death with it. Even after the screams have stopped, he continues bashing his old friend's skull for a while. BASIL moans and then falls still.)_

OTHER MOLE PERSON: (Tortured voice) _**Shut upppppp!**_

DORIAN: (Peers at the binding of the now bloody book) _The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde_. (Looks up) Ironic. (Peers down at Basil) My god! What have I done?! (Dashes away before anyone can discover his crime)

_(DORIAN returns to the party.)_

HENRY: God, what did Basil need to blather on about for half an hour?

DORIAN: (Shaking) Harry, what would you say if I told you I killed Basil?

HENRY: (Chuckles) Dorian, you silly manchild. You don't have it in you to kill people! You're too pure! Here, have another Jell-O shot. By the way, Sybil just killed herself in the bathroom. Some of the guys say she drank too much, but… iunno.

_(DORIAN takes the shot glass, but all of the life has passed out of his eyes.)_

_(Blackout. Fade in on Alderman Café, where ALAN CAMPBELL, a slight, sallow young man sits alone, though waiting pensively. DORIAN enters.)_

DORIAN: Ah, Alan! How wonderful to see you!

ALAN: Don't toy with me, Dorian. What do you want with me? I still have a problem set and a half left.

DORIAN: (pulls up a chair) Fine, fine. (Pauses, then goes right into it) I need you to get rid of a body.

ALAN: (taken aback) _What!?_

DORIAN: Don't scream, Alan! (But then, DORIAN sees a shadowy figure, JAMES VANE, lurking outside the window. He screams.)

ALAN: But you just said… (Shrug, and then becomes sarcastic) So you finally did it, huh? I knew when you left Adrian drunk in the road…

DORIAN: Hey! Hey! Don't make me tell the Judiciary Committee about –

_(DORIAN continues to speak, and ALAN grows increasingly horrified. However, the audience hears nothing, as the Alderman Café blender whirs in the background.)_

ALAN: All right, I'll do it. But, won't anyone miss him?

DORIAN: Basil, ha! He was a mole person. No one ever sees them.

ALAN: I saw Basil last Tuesday.

DORIAN: He's been dead a month.

ALAN: Oh dear god, I thought he was sleeping!

DORIAN: (With a gleam in his eye) Mole people never sleep. Come. Follow me!

_(Brief shot of DORIAN and ALAN sneaking into Clemons, quite obviously, while carrying a full-fledged chemistry lab set. Person at front desk looks amused.)_

_(A test tube drops down the staircase. It clinks horribly. DORIAN and ALAN cling to each other, frozen with trepidation. A student walks by them on the stairs, very much puzzled.)_

_(From the perspective of the broken test tube)_

DORIAN: (whispers) Let's… go…

_(A 1980s dance music montage ensues while ALAN mixes solutions and then turns to BASIL's dead body. Smokescreen effect. After it clears, BASIL is gone and ALAN wipes his hands.)_

ALAN: It is finished. (Picks up his lab set) Now never speak to me again.

DORIAN: Honestly, Alan, did you think I wanted to do lunch after this? You're not even my friend on Facebook anymore. (Without another word, he stalks off.)

_(DORIAN is downtown. He wanders into the Tea House and sits in a private booth, smoking a hookah. ADRIAN SINGLETON's voice calls from outside the booth.)_

ADRIAN: Well, well, I never thought I'd see you here... in this dump.

DORIAN: Adrian! I haven't seen you since the night—

ADRIAN: --you left me drunk on the side of the road? Yeah. So. (Sits down) How's tricks?

DORIAN: (Clearly unsettled) I'm fine… (Blows out a smoke ring and hands the mouthpiece to ADRIAN) … I should be going now. Enjoy the rest of the hookah.

ADRIAN: I don't even smoke this stuff. Even the tea here is nasty!

EMPLOYEE: Look, if you don't like it here, you ARE allowed to leave.

ADRIAN: (Chastened.)

DORIAN: (Leaves.)

ADRIAN: (Pursues.)

_(DORIAN flies down the uprooted brick of the Downtown Mall. In a Kubrick-esque shot, DORIAN's face shows a glimmer of hope. Cut to shot of the Free Trolley.)_

MECHANIZED TROLLEY VOICE: Free trolley. UVA and. Down. Town.

_(DORIAN makes a run for it, ADRIAN in hot pursuit. ADRIAN stumbles on the crooked brick, and DORIAN leaps on board at the last possible moment. The doors close dramatically.)_

DORIAN: Phew.

_(Cuts to JAMES VANE in back of trolley with dramatic music. He sips a "Monkey" from the Mudhouse noisily through a straw. DORIAN tries to back away.)_

JAMES: Ah… we meet again…

DORIAN: Again? (Attempts to sit down nonchalantly) I've never seen you in my life. (Nervous giggle)

JAMES: I just came from Vinegar Hill. Do you know what I saw?

DORIAN: (Miffed) I haven't the foggiest.

JAMES: I saw the one where the guy dating the other guy's sister leaves her and she's so depressed she kills herself in a frat house bathroom. Do you know what the girl's brother does next?

DORIAN: (Frightened) Mehhhhh…

JAMES: (In a low voice) He seeks vengeance. He goes after the rotten manwhore and he doesn't stop until the scum is dead. Dead and cold in the grave.

_(A pause as DORIAN pulls the stop request cord. The trolley lurches to a stop at a sketchy street. The mechanized voice speaks again.)_

DORIAN: Oh, what do you know! Here's my stop! Toodle-loo!

_(He hastens to leave the bus.)_

_(In April at Foxfield, DORIAN and HENRY navigate the crowds, SOLO cups in hand.)_

HENRY: (Drunk as hell) Oh Dorian… I love today! I love the warmth! I love the sunshine! I love beauty and life in general!

DORIAN: (Drunk as hell in a handbasket) And I love you, Harry!

_(An awkward pause. HENRY gives DORIAN a look, and an ambulance sounds in the distance.)_

DORIAN: Whoever do you suppose that was?

HENRY: I love the daisies! And the butterflies! And alcohol! Pure grain alcohol!!

_(Random guy runs by.)_

RANDOM GUY: My god, they've killed him dead!

DORIAN: That doesn't sound promising.

_(A couple days later. DORIAN, still hungover, is retching into a toilet bowl. He sits up. Another Kubrick-esque look of startlement. Cut to the Stall Seat Journal, which features a photo of JAMES VANE. Capitalized words jump out at camera.)_

SSJ: _JAMES VANE_ _KILLED BY A HORSE CART WHILE DRUNK OUT OF HIS MIND. HIS BLOOD ALCOHOL CONTENT (BAC) WAS 0.3. THIS IS THE LEVEL AT WHICH ONE PASSES INTO A STUPOR, HAS LITTLE COMPREHENSION, MAY PASS OUT AND BE HARD TO AWAKEN. __**THIS COULD BE YOU.**_

_(DORIAN cringes, Bela Lugosi style.)_

_(Cut to the steps of the Rotunda, where DORIAN sits with HENRY. HENRY happily munches on a Bodo's bagel and reads the _Cav Daily_. DORIAN sits, angsting over his still-falling grade and eating nothing.)_

HENRY: (looking up from his paper) Did you realize that ambulance had a dead student in it? My word. I believe I've lost my appetite. (Munches bagel.)

DORIAN: Yes, all is better now. All except for the loss of Basil and Sybil and that sock to the dryer monster in Cauthen!

HENRY: Dorian, my boy, you truly are a first year.

_(An old couple totter by the pair, and ascend to the door that seems like it would enter into the Rotunda… but does not. The OLD MAN tries the door knob, but it does not budge. The OLD WOMAN makes a disgruntled OLD WOMAN noise, and they begin to depart.)_

_(Suddenly, DORIAN gets an idea! Anna decrees there is a lightbulb that goes "bing," so there ya go.)_

LIGHTBULB: (smiles and says) Bing!

DORIAN: (aside) I shall help these elderly gentlefolk and therefore revive my dying grade! (To the old couple) Sir! Sir, I beg pardon! Are you trying to enter the Rotunda?

OLD MAN: (Pulls inevitable map out of his back pocket) Yes, my lad. But this damned door won't open!

DORIAN: It's rather complicated to enter. Here, I'll show the way! (Gallops down the stairs)

OLD WOMAN: Wait up! I'm not the same since the lumbago kicked in.

_(DORIAN leads the old couple away. HENRY sits complacently where DORIAN left him, happily munching his bagel and reading the paper.)_

_(Back in DORIAN's room. DORIAN opens the door with a flourish.)_

DORIAN: Perhaps the old couple will help my grade improve! I must consult the ISIS. (Clicks and taps on the keyboard a while) My god, must this platform be this unwieldy and slow?? Ah, there it is. (Consults the screen.)

_(Zooms in on the screen, which shows DORIAN's GPA to be a 1.3 and an alert in red lettering says "YOU ARE NOW ON ACADEMIC PROBATION." DORIAN's face falls.)_

DORIAN: What?! I mean, obviously community service isn't part of my grade, but it has to count for something! (Exits the browser.)

ISIS: Next time please remember to click the Logout button. And check back next spring, when the University switches to SIS for no particular reason!! :) :) :)

_(DORIAN is flustered. He goes to his sock drawer and pulls out the first of his failed essays.)_

_(A knock at the door.)_

STEVE: (Without) Hey… can I come in?

DORIAN: Steve, I am very busy in here. Can you please come back in a half-hour?

STEVE: It's my room, too, you know! Grounds for Discussion told us how to resolve this conflict. Come on, let me in! (Door rattles)

DORIAN: (Throws self against the door) Not yet, Steve! Stay a moment!

_(DORIAN frantically grabs a red pen.)_

DORIAN: I'm going to do what I should have done six months ago! (Puts pen to the paper)

_(Switch to STEVE's perspective outside. There is a terrible shriek and a sound like a tornado. Silence. The door unlocks with a distinctive click. STEVE hesitates, then opens the door. Before him lies a rotten, ugly-looking old man clutching a red pen and a paper with an ostentatiously big red A+ in the top right hand corner.)_

STEVE: …dude. …is it Family Weekend?

_(Cut again to OSCAR WILDE, leaning against a wall and smoking.)_

OSCAR WILDE: Le fin. (Snaps his fingers and the camera blacks out.)


End file.
